Email marketing 2.0: Of gay matrimony, Nigerian philanthropists, UK lotteries and Viagra mailers

(Disclaimer: This post by no means expresses my disrespect towards the LGBT community, the Chinese, the British or the Nigerians and Brokeback Mountain still remains my favourite romantic flick in terms of plausibility.)

It was a disappointing morning. I woke up late and was feeling even lazier than I usually do. I reluctantly switched on my laptop and opened my mails. The very first mail caught my attention,
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Hi
I’m Gaurav 29 years, 5’11” a Bio-Technologist from Mumbai. I love snooker, polo, driving and movies.
I’m an understanding & loving person. I’m looking for my special one to be like me!
I think, we can get in touch and know more…
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This was from a popular matrimonial site. Now, although I doubt my own natural abilities to attract suitable mates, I have so far prevented myself from succumbing to the combined marketing pressure of these matrimonial sites as I consider this very idea to be the proverbial old wine in a new Tetra Pak. This was my second most disgusting internet moment beaten only by the one when my Gmail account was molested by that macabre, anti-democratic and decadent Chinese hacker.

This mail raises several pertinent, existential and confusing questions. Who am I? Why did I get this mail? As far as I know, these matrimonial sites are geared to facilitate the traditional marriage system with the use of new technology. Since when did they start gay matchmaking? Or is it a clever marketing ploy to spot deprived Indian males and subject them to 180 degree “reorientation”? If the last option is true I have to praise their market research and segmentation prowess.

Also, who exactly is Gaurav? Is he the Alan Smithee of email marketing or is he a real entity? In case he is real, is this what he seeks? Dark & Ugly blokes instead of Fair & Lovely, convent educated, homely nymphs who love to cook and are trained in multiple classical music and dance forms?

Anyways I hope that this does not kick start a new trend to replace now predictable and spam folder bound mails from generous Nigerians who, for some obscure reasons love to splurge money on unknown people from other countries. Another comparable phenomenon is the mailers from certain UK based lottery operators who are eager to pull each and every third world loser out of his misery by shelling out millions of pounds on a weekly basis. But in terms of sheer quantity of mails, they are easily beaten by the aphrodisiac merchants who have an unhealthy obsession with other people’s sex lives and the enhancement of certain vital organs.

In these uncertain times, I am no longer sure what is real and what is counterfeit. But I do know people who actually believed those mails and celebrated prematurely. That is why I wonder if someone would take it too seriously and file a homophobic lawsuit against the marketers. In that case I’ll sympathise with the advertisers purely on the basis of principles, early morning irritation notwithstanding.